Anger, maybe even indignation. I have been contemplating whether I would write this post. If I may be stooping down to the same level of cowardice as you in writing about it here than telling it to you, then so be it, guilty as charged.
Still, to anyone who chances upon this, let this be an open letter.
You see, I have been thinking, pining at my weakest, but mostly thinking.
When things fall/fail, it is often the easiest to find someone to blame. Who did wrong. Who wasn’t right. Who needs to be taught a lesson.
I spent too long accepting the blame, thinking that it was me that didn’t do enough, who didn’t see the urgency. God forbid that I make this any more about you, or me. But the truth is, the issue was not with me. The issue was the concept you held, and the concept I hold.
You see, when you truly love someone, you love them in spite of their flaws. There can be no check list. The idealist here isn’t me. I had ideals yes, but you idealized what I had to fulfill.
From my anger I realized the importance of self worth. You are worth only as much as you believe you are. And as my anger grew, the bitter taste it is leaving me with is one of the realization that I am worth more than your ideals of what I was supposed to be. I didn’t deserve to live by your laws..
Neither do you.. You hated expectations, but you had these yourself. Expectations that would make your role easier, because it was based on your convenience. But your feelings made you conflicted. You knew what was right, but selfishness got in the way. You aren’t ready. You will never be til you see the flaws in your very concept. You knew what was right, but believed your logic truer than the real right. And believing that your decisions are never wrong is a greater misconception. Humility, where art thou?
Passion for life and work, that is permissible and an ideal I hold too. But I believe life goes beyond that, life isn’t work alone. It isn’t colleagues as the only friends, it isn’t what defines you.
The friendship you speak of, very idealistic of you. But my dear one, I cannot be your friend. Not now that is. If you’re the if this friendship is worth fighting for, you would take the first step. Not saying I do not wish for this friendship to materialize. I can’t always be the one trying.
Above and beyond this, I have realized my worth. Guarded my heart, but not encasing it for it to turn stone cold. One shouldn’t build walls to hide behind, the ultimate isolation because it feels safe being that way. But guard it and let good things in.
For everything you do flows from the heart, the core of intentions.
Without being preachy, or appealing to the Holy Spirit or God (no offense to those who believe), but this is where I know I am right.
- The Venom of Anger- Letters From the Trail (forwardwalking.com)
- An open letter to my ex boyfriends (datingisbs.wordpress.com)
- Not Easily Provoked (jillbeingstill.com)
- Forgiveness – It does exists (paperhope.com)